‘EVAN’ is in psychotherapy. He has agreed to collaborate, from time to time, with Porn Recovery UK about his process of working with a 30-year porn habit. Here’s his fourth blog.

I’m so disappointed in myself. If you have ever tried to give up Internet porn, you’ll know the feeling. A whole load of things got on top of me at work yesterday. I feel quite depressed – what’s the point! It’s five days to go until my next therapy session, I’m sleeping in the spare room, I’m struggling with it all.

I’ve promised myself I’ll be honest in this process. Yesterday I flipped the laptop open. I had some thought in my mind that I could stop, but the drive for the high… it was the meaning of the word desperate.

As I started off the whole process I realized I’d been planning it all out unconsciously. I had made circumstances so that I’d find myself with the time alone. I knew which site I was going to use, what I was going to search for. I really wanted to close the laptop, disconnect myself from this stuff, be good, ahhhh! I even thought about how bad this was going to look on the blog.

After I’d used, I had this distaste for myself. I wrote it all down, I’m taking it to therapy and I promised myself, if nothing else, I’d tell the truth in this entry – not pretend that I hadn’t looked or that there was some external factor that ‘made me do it’. If you are trying to give up porn, know there are set backs. My advice – don’t just try to do this work on your own; you’ll simply lie to yourself.  I think now I’m ready to listen to someone else’s suggestions of how to get through this mire.