‘EVAN’ is in psychotherapy. He has agreed to collaborate, from time to time, with Porn Recovery UK about his process of working with a 30-year porn habit. Here’s his third blog.
How long can I go around in this mood? I’ve not had sex for six weeks and I’ve not even masturbated for the last five days. I’ve set myself a target not to masturbate until Jessica let’s me back into the bedroom. I’m feeling really ‘tight’ in my whole body. My therapist asked me why I was being so extreme – trying to stop porn and ‘tormenting’ myself like this? Maybe he is right that I am being extreme; maybe I am trying to sabotage my own recovery.
Not masturbating for five days might not sound a long time to you, but that’s the longest I’ve been without an orgasm in pretty much my whole life. I’ve masturbated since I was really young. I can’t remember from what age exactly but I do know I was in my first house so, I can’t have been more than six years old. I’ve masturbated pretty much twice a day (and sometimes even more) since we got broadband. Knowing my ‘struggle’ is being recorded like this is giving me some purpose and point – it’s one of the first times in my life I feel I’ve got something positive to associate my porn life with. Now I feel I’ve got something to prove.