EVAN has agreed to collaborate from time to time with Porn Recovery UK about his process of working with a 30-year porn habit. Here’s his tenth blog post.
Since I started this process and, in particular, since we came back from our holiday, Jessica and I have really sorted important issues that were wrong with our marriage. She’s recently had a few sessions with a psychotherapist who was recommended by my therapist, and quite quickly the tensions around her view of my porn usage eased. It was the right time for her, I think, because I had by then explained my relationship with porn much more fully and this has helped her to see that as my problem first and foremost but that the difficulties we were experiencing between us were not so much about the porn but about other things that needed to get ‘centre stage’. Once we both seemed to understand this, we were quite quick at getting back to know each other in our sex life. I can’t say that it is all plain sailing just yet, but it’s getting there. Porn use is a difficult thing and all I can say is that it gained so much control of me that sometimes, even now, I discover a trigger and then I can feel quite scared. I get scared that it will all come back and take me over and yet, at the same time, I can see how it was what was wrong between us in our marriage that fuelled my continued retreat from the problems and the use of hardcore porn as a quick, feel-good fix instead. Having just read this back to myself I’m amazed that I’ve been able to write it. In fact, to me it sounds like I’ve swallowed a text book! In some sort of way, perhaps I have – but it’s a bloody good one that I’m really understanding right now.
NB Evan’s blogs are posted at least three months after he has written them.
Copyright Porn Recovery UK 2011