EVAN has agreed to collaborate from time to time with Porn Recovery UK about his process of working with a 30-year porn habit. Here’s his eighth blog post.
I’ve been having very conflicted feelings about the whole idea of recovery. Recovery from what and for what? Jessica seems to refuse to see how much work I’ve done. We are still sleeping in separate rooms. I flick on my computer and think, there is all that skin to look at, all those lovely bumps and curves, and I could be using them … I switch my computer off. The idea, even, of the phrase ‘using them’ makes me feel so sad about myself. I don’t like the idea of ‘using’ anyone. But I’m so frustrated because I’m changing, but Jessica refuses to see it. She does not know how difficult it is to be around her. I still love her. I still want to be with her. Shit! I’m craving every part of her again – in my head. It’s stupid I know but I thought my wife would somehow know all this by now. Then, she begins to talk about how hard it is for her; the trust Jessica says she’s lost; the negative feelings she says she now has about her own body because of all the porn stars I’ve been masturbating to. I wish she would look at what I’ve been watching these last few years. Few of them have been the perfection she seems to imagine. I’ve got myself off on grannies; I’ve got myself off on degradation so many times – not on beauty and perfection. I get frustrated at Jessica. I lash with my tongue, with my frustration. I say really stupid things like, ‘I’ve been looking at foot-long pricks for years and I don’t feel fucking inferior’.
In therapy I get that I’m not approaching her concerns very well. I do listen to my therapist voicing what my wife’s concerns and difficulties might be. I almost shouted back at him ‘So why the fuck am I doing this if she can’t take account of my changes.’ The changes are so massive for me, they have happened so quickly; I’m impatient, I’m a child, I want comforting by the person who I’ve thought least about during my addiction period. I want my wife to love me, make love with me, heal me. All I have at the moment is a middle-aged man who sits and listens so carefully to what it is like to be me; this unlovable porn addict. He encourages me, understands me and supports me but, just once a week. I sometimes also have the hope that you, the readers, might feel some form of understanding for me as you read this blog.
If your partner is anything like me, he or she is craving your support and wants a way to make things alright again. I’m almost embarrassed to write this but, love your addict partner if you can.