Here, thanks to ForHerAddicts, is the final part of Sarah’s personal journey with pornography. Having inadvertently run right into what she was desperate to avoid, Sarah realised it was time for change …

The lack of honesty and communication, from both sides, was increasingly separating us. The more that was happening, the more he wanted porn and porn-like sex and the more I couldn’t live up to it. We were at the point where the truth of his secret world, whether he admitted it or not, was exposed, but we were unable to openly discuss it with each other. Of course, he denied it all, told me I was crazy, over reacting, etc. You know, the usual crap!

We battled and inside I died that last little bit but also finally realised I couldn’t sweep it away any longer. He became increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive, and I knew a big part of that was the porn and the thought of facing the truth of his ‘harmless little pleasure’. It was finally time for me to stop lying to myself and running from my past. Running from my fear of abandonment. I hated who I’d become. I had to save myself.  I knew I couldn’t change him and his views (after a lot of trying), but I could change what I allowed in my life and how I acted. I’d inadvertently run right into what I so desperate to avoid. In abusive relationships (from both sides), with men who led separate sexual ‘fantasy’ lives; stuck in glaringly hypocritical situations with ‘partners’ who would never accept their own behaviour the other way around, yet were unwilling, or, perhaps, unable to comprehend what real equality actually was.

However, my own porn use didn’t stop there. It got a lot worse. I became addicted to his addiction. I got into his head, into his sexual world, into the millions of regular porn users’ world. What I discovered about it, him, myself, these people, was a massive wake up call. Triggers were everywhere for me. Porn and pornified images of women are everywhere you turn. Literally everything made me think of him and every time I thought of him the memories would go back to porn and these women. Back to the pain of living a relationship and in some ways an entire life of lies. I watched the things he wanted, the women he liked and chose over me, the industry that had shaped his mind and sexual beliefs from his early teens. I would fixate on the little things. I would cry and hate myself every time I relived the pain and rejection, but I got off to it, repeatedly.  I couldn’t stop.

I’d tell myself no more, but the next day I would be back there, hurting myself all over again. I couldn’t not use it as I had NO sexuality left of my own. It was all porn. For years I had objectified myself, but now I had began to objectify other women in the way the men in my life had. I watched only ‘perfect’ women, women I thought he would’ve liked, even down to the fine details. The men didn’t even come into it. Most of the time you don’t even get to see their faces. And in no way did I fantasize about any of them, anything they did; they were horrible, robotic, self-centred and, more often than not, abusive. But then, so were many of the women. Verbally and physically abusive to themselves and other women. Promoting a very distorted view of women’s and men’s sexuality. If I’d actually been engaging in the sex I was viewing, I would’ve been VERY disappointed!

The reality of mainstream porn is that it’s solely about the women and their ‘act’. It’s like a veritable buffet of women waiting to service your every need and exploit whatever repressed desire you may have. The more I watched, the more it skewed my own sexual fantasies and preferences, the more I realised how much I had been allowing myself to act like these women. I had reached the lowest, most painful, point of my entire life and I was completely alone. But, I was determined not to let it win. Even if I couldn’t stop hurting myself for now, I would use the experience to educate myself.

I learnt everything I could about this world. I was immersed in his addiction and it was unbearably painful, but it also made me open my eyes to my own ingrained problems. The more I learnt about addiction, codependency, the psychology of our relationship choices, our unconscious sexuality, the onslaught of porn propaganda, etc., the more I realised how dysfunctional I and others were, and how the industry is designed to manipulate and capitalise on that. The more I came to terms with how much I used to loath myself and how sex, love, orgasm and emotional pain was part of my long-standing desires, habits and beliefs about my life.

I finally came to grips with this not being just a harmless bit of fun but a societal sickness and a very powerful drug. An entire world and community online that hooks onto your secret desires, that changes your brain and beliefs. A ‘fantasy’ that is shaping our reality. An entire world you can completely lose yourself in, get swept along with and no one else would ever know. Especially if you’re male. How could anything in reality ever live up to this? Well, it just can’t. I guess this is one of the reasons the world is warping into one big porno!

COPYRIGHT ForHerAddicts and Porn Recovery UK 2012

Here, thanks to ForHerAddicts is part 2 of Sarah’s personal journey with pornography. Just like many men who use porn compulsively, Sarah found that her constant engagement with it brought negative personal effects and even the loss of ability to use her own fantasies.

As I grew older, I discovered that my partners used porn and I began to use it as well. Even though I was clearly not the target audience, it still triggered sexual responses in me. However, the porn I saw only ever made me feel bad. I didn’t like anything about it. It was just so fake. I was always a feminist and this image of women just made me angry. Other than the natural attraction to sex, there was nothing I found positive and healthy about what I was seeing. (I even found so-called feministic or woman-friendly porn to be just women as objects, posing and performing for men.) Sex only seemed to be about what men wanted, and what porn painted was the image we should all aspire to. Slowly but surely I started to lose my own fantasies and focused on what my partner liked. In a way I just wanted to be part of their sex life and watching what they watched was the only way I knew how to do that at the time. Porn gave me an instant ‘fix’ while I was using it, but after I would feel empty and then I’d try to push those feelings aside.

Despite this dislike of the sex I was seeing, I continued to use it. The older I got the more [that] porn was available. I didn’t really use hardcore porn until I was about 23 but it didn’t take long for this to become more of a regular activity in my life, even when single. I didn’t fully discover the world of Internet porn, though, until I began my last relationship, around 27.  Most of the men I dated used porn (only later did I fully understand they were addicts), and I always felt bullied into accepting it in relationships and by society. I tried to believe the lies about it being a  harmless ‘image’ – even though I knew it wasn’t. It was far more to these men than they admitted or that I could fully understand at the time. None of them wanted to share porn or use it in our sex life. It was their private little pleasure which they were ‘entitled’ to. It had far more power and pull than I could ever have. Men chose porn over having sex many times and everyone around me kept reinforcing this was just ‘normal’ and fine.

Many of my friends weren’t happy with it in their relationships either, but they kept lying to themselves to keep their men happy, making excuses and actually reinforcing all the typical gender stereotypes. It was really my problem and just ‘what men do’. And if I talked about or critiqued porn then I was nuts and should know my place as a woman who couldn’t possibly have the same natural sexual urges in the same amount as men have. I didn’t think this product I was seeing was just normal and fine, or believe men were more sexual than women. Men were just more encouraged and fed pornified substances. But in true co-dependent style I let everyone else’s opinions win. I’d check and search my boyfriends’ stuff; I was obsessive in nature; and then I’d watch what they were getting off to behind my back. I both hated it and loved it.

Looking back and at the time, some of the things I watched made me feel sick. I loathed myself for so long for getting off to it: lies, objectification, manipulation, abuse, from both sexes, all for money. But again I swept those feelings and opinions away. Paradoxically, I felt that by me using porn I was taking back some of the power that society, these relationships and men had and were taking from me. It was easier to block it all out if I was a user too. I think of myself as having a fairly high sex drive. The men I was with claimed to have high sex drives too. But in reality their sex drive was aimed at porn and ‘fantasy’ – not at real sex with a partner who loved them, even if that’s what they claimed. It was focused on their masturbation fantasies and their ideal women, which, in turn, spilled into our sex life. They would want what they saw in porn; some even subtly made it quite clear my body could be better.

There was no way one woman could compete with the array of women who were willing to do whatever these men desired (many of whom had altered their natural bodies to be perfect for their customers’ tastes). In turn these men couldn’t really connect emotionally and certainly not sexually with just one woman; they made it clear that it was their ‘right’ not to, but it was unheard of and not OK that I might do the same. It was a catch 22. I couldn’t see a way of getting it out of my life and relationships, so this pushed me further into living my sex life in my head and in secret.

My real sex life was all about what the man enjoyed. I’d feel guilty if I didn’t want what they wanted or couldn’t perform the act as well as they’d like. I felt bad for not cumming so it became easier to fake it and protect my man’s ego. Porn and society had brainwashed me to put my needs second and theirs first, and to make my sexuality an act. I wasn’t happy but didn’t know how to change. I was trapped. Much like with my father, I’d battle with these men and their beliefs but I’d always end up putting up with it and crushing my self worth and making my self extremely ill in the process.

Sarah’s story continues in part 3

COPYRIGHT ForHerAddicts and Porn Recovery UK 2012

The world of normal sexual awakening and pornography commonly collide, making difficult-to-understand situations and emotions complex for young people. Here, thanks to ForHerAddicts, we can read how sex, sexual abuse and pornography made Sarah’s journey through our pornized society like a visit to hell and back.

My journey with porn has been a long and complex one. It came to a head in my life during my last relationship. I really have two separate stories to tell: one as a porn user; and one as a partner of a porn addict. Both issues are intertwined and one wouldn’t exist without the other. I could write a whole separate piece on the experience and trauma of being the partner of a sex addict, but right now I’m going to focus on my own porn use. However, to do this I will have to discuss aspects of my co-dependent relationships with porn users.

The main crux of my personal issues has been co-dependency. I suffered insidious sexual abuse as a child at the hands of a trusted family friend, which I kept hidden for most of my childhood. I was groomed by this man and paid to keep my mouth shut. I felt overwhelming fear and guilt as a child and only later would I come to realise how much this experience had effected my unconscious behaviour in many aspects of my life. I also had an incredibly turbulent relationship with my father. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. My mother was co-dependent – a toxic pattern that extends throughout my whole family. Their behaviours constantly reinforced that love was fear and you had to ‘put up’ with things that didn’t make you happy. I rebelled against my father from a very young age. He didn’t know how to ‘handle’ me and this only made the environment worse. Even though I fought with him, his word was always law, even when he was wrong. There was nothing I could do about it and the seed was planted in my head that I may not like something but the man always gets his way, even if he is blatantly incorrect or at fault. This pattern was then continued throughout my adult relationships.

I started masturbating at around age 5 or 6. I can’t remember if this was a behaviour my abuser had taught me. Perhaps I have blocked this memory out of my consciousness. My parents used to tell me off if they caught me. I’d feel guilty and ashamed for doing something that felt natural. I used to do it a lot. I was lonely as a child, isolated in many ways. I used masturbation as a distraction and comfort. It wasn’t related to sex at this age, it was just something that felt good. However, as I got older and reached puberty this changed and my desires became sexual. I’d see sex scenes on TV or images in magazines or have fantasies about boys I liked.  Of course, masturbation was a secret and definitely not openly discussed.

My father died when I was 15, but my problems didn’t stop there; in fact, they only got worse and more complex. I ran from my abuser and my father’s ghost right into the arms of men that made me feel just as bad. By 16 I was already on my fifth sexual relationship and I moved out of my home and lived with a guy 10 years older than me. Like so many girls, I used sex to get attention. It wasn’t empowering, I wasn’t connected to it, but it gave me the attention which I thought validated me and that I needed. The attention was a drug in itself. Porn, in the traditional sense, hadn’t been any part of my life up to this point. But softcore pornified images were everywhere and easily available. I’d never discovered porn at home; the only real exposure to the industry was when I was propositioned at 17 by a photographer. He groomed me by getting me to do some modelling and then after gaining my confidence he tried to push me into porn.

In Part 2, Sarah writes about how most of the men she dated used porn and how this porn triggered her own sexual response.

COPYRIGHT ForHerAddicts and Porn Recovery UK 2012